The Beautiful Lifeby
Art Martori I understand Arizona’s tough position on drunken driving. The roadways are already lethal. Add booze to a situation where a ditzy MILF is talking on her cell phone and trying to get her ADHD-ridden brat to shut up – game over, man, game over. I understand the basic DUI scenario: you have a few too many beers and drive home. The cop pulls you over, you blow and you go to jail. Pretty cut-and-dried procedure aimed to keep drunk-os off already-dangerous public thoroughfares. However, I’m not entirely sure I get the whole extreme DUI concept. Is this aimed at snowboarders and BMX riders? Is The Man trying to round up drivers that are extremely drunk, or drivers that are drunk but also happen to be EXTREME? New scenario: you have a few too many beers and decide to go home. But instead of a driving a car, you jump out of an airplane with one of those parachute-snowboards strapped to your feet. You land at your doorstep and the cop pulls up. He’d be like, “Holy crap, that was a badass inverted 720 tail-grabber. That was friggin’ EXTREME! I can’t wait to tell all my friends what I just saw you do. Dude, we’ll be pounding Mountain Dew and watching dirt bike videos and I’ll be like, ‘Dudes, guess what I saw? It was EXTREME!’ “Now, I need you to blow into this.” When you get a normal DUI, you go to Tent City. First thing they do is cut off your beard and trim your long hair. I wonder if they have different intake procedures for EXTREME DUI’s? It would make sense that they would dye your hair green and make sure that you have at least three facial piercings. After all, they’d need to make damn sure that you’re EXTREME enough to be there. If you go to normal jail, the vending machines dispense |
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stuff like peanuts and candy bars. In normal jail, they have big coolers full of water for you to drink and you’re not supposed to yell or act crazy at all. You’re just supposed to lie in your tent and wait until they let you out for work release or set you free. Obviously, that shit wouldn’t fly if you went to EXTREME jail. Imagine if you tried to just lie quietly on your cot in EXTREME jail. You’d be chilling out, reading “National Geographic,” or something, and a guard would bust in, totally pissed off. He’d be like, “Prisoner! What the hell are you doing? You’re not being EXTREME at all! Now go refill the Mountain Dew and Red Bull coolers, and restock the vending machines with power bars and Doritos.” All around you, the other prisoners would be bungee-jumping off watchtowers or head-butting the wall. Every minute or so, they’d have to stop what they were doing and sound off for roll call. This would involve throwing their arms in the air, flexing their biceps and screaming at the top of their lungs, “EXTREME!” If you ask prisoners in normal jail what it’s like, they’ll tell you how bad it sucks and how they can’t wait to get out. Ask prisoners that were jailed for drinking and riding a vert ramp, they’ll look at you and snort with contempt. “It
doesn’t matter where I’m at,” they’ll say,
“just as long as it’s EXTREME!” This information is courtesy of http://www.ecollegetimes.com/ |
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