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The Beautiful Life

The Beautiful Life

by Art Martori
February 23, 2006

I understand Arizonas tough position on drunken driving. The roadways are already lethal. Add booze to a situation where a ditzy MILF is talking on her cell phone and trying to get her ADHD-ridden brat to shut up game over, man, game over.

I understand the basic DUI scenario: you have a few too many beers and drive home. The cop pulls you over, you blow and you go to jail. Pretty cut-and-dried procedure aimed to keep drunk-os off already-dangerous public thoroughfares.

However, Im not entirely sure I get the whole extreme DUI concept. Is this aimed at snowboarders and BMX riders? Is The Man trying to round up drivers that are extremely drunk, or drivers that are drunk but also happen to be EXTREME?

New scenario: you have a few too many beers and decide to go home. But instead of a driving a car, you jump out of an airplane with one of those parachute-snowboards strapped to your feet. You land at your doorstep and the cop pulls up.

Hed be like, Holy crap, that was a badass inverted 720 tail-grabber. That was friggin EXTREME! I cant wait to tell all my friends what I just saw you do. Dude, well be pounding Mountain Dew and watching dirt bike videos and Ill be like, Dudes, guess what I saw? It was EXTREME!

Now, I need you to blow into this.

When you get a normal DUI, you go to Tent City. First thing they do is cut off your beard and trim your long hair. I wonder if they have different intake procedures for EXTREME DUIs? It would make sense that they would dye your hair green and make sure that you have at least three facial piercings.

After all, theyd need to make damn sure that youre EXTREME enough to be there.

If you go to normal jail, the vending machines dispense

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